Blaugust Day 12 – Homer strikes back

I now know why other, smarter Blaugust bloggers elected to not include the Blaugust tag in their post titles. For one thing, it means it’s going to be glaringly obvious — especially to me — if I miss a day, and I sort of promised myself I would try not to miss any days. And yet…

IGMonkey-1_1024x1024

Homer, my Instant Gratification Monkey

And yet the more I try to force the posts, the more by brain is pushing back against the very idea of writing anything. When I’m not blogging regularly — as in the last three years — there’s nothing Homer wants more than to do a blog post!!11oneone… provided I don’t actually sit down and do one. I don’t know if my Instant Gratification Monkey is a special mutant kind, but whatever he is, he always wants to be doing anything but what I want to, ought to or should be doing right now. When I’m working he wants to play games. When I have time to play games, he wants to write blog posts. When I sit down to write blog posts, he makes this passive-aggressive cross face and points at the TV. When I watch TV, he reminds me I have deadlines to meet.

Little shit.

I shall persevere, even if my post content has become cobwebs held together by fluff, because I think there’s something going on there.

Sometime in the last 3 or 4 years I lost confidence in the fact that I had anything interesting to say, even to myself. (How selective is that? If you can’t talk to yourself, who can you talk to?) I decided I’d said it all, others had said or were saying it better, and I wasn’t playing much anyway so why bother. Bullshit. When one writes for the love of writing and for the joy of expressing oneself, one doesn’t second-guess one’s motives. They’re right there: I used to write because I bloody well wanted to. Finis. The end.

I’m pretty sure I still want to but I’ve also spent my entire teen and adult life telling myself that writing is not a valid pursuit. This is old, old baggage for me — I wanted to be a real writer long ago but pretty much everyone in my entire family and adults circle convinced me that I was being foolish. One might as well want to become a trapeze artist or a snake charmer. Hell, it might be easier to want to become a tightrope-walker. It would certainly be more lucrative to become a bus-driver, landscape gardener or — well, pretty much anything else. Only people with a very weak grasp on sanity and reality want to become authors. (This is apparently not uncommon. I am willing to bet at least one of you reading this has had a similar experience.)

Since I also have a few cases of baggage relating to sanity, the lack thereof and other fun things like that, and because I am who I am, all the negatives stayed in my head and all the positives (teacher & friend comments and encouragement, grades, actually getting published [albeit in a very small way], etc.)… did not. If I have a curse in life, it’s the inability to retain all the wonderful things people say to and do for me coupled with a photographic memory for all the negative things I have ever incurred. (Yes, incurred. People like me tend to think we’ve earned bad treatment.)

Getting back to the point, we all have a rational mind and mine does work rather well — provided it’s not being hijacked by Homer or my far less rational subconscious. (For those who care, I’m much more Jung than Freud, even though the old goat did make some valid points.) Rationally I know I shouldn’t care, that things that hurt were most often meant to help and even, in a weird way, support. Rationally I know that if I’m writing for myself, none of the above should matter. Rationally I know I’m perfectly capable of writing even for an audience (I’ve done it) and that it’s never too late to become an author as well as a writer if that’s what I really want. Life is not as either/or as we tend to think when we’re in our teens or even our 20s. Life may be short, but it’s also longer than we realise at that age.

I must love writing or I wouldn’t be here; I wouldn’t be constantly devising game backgrounds; I wouldn’t be writing out paragraphs, plots and people in my head as life goes by.

So I should just write. And I will. As soon as I break down this — I hope — last barrier of self-doubt and self-sabotage. So if I need to do 31 days of entertaining but seriously content-weak posts to break down that wall, that’s what I’ll do. Because I am writing for myself — and telling myself I’m writing for all of you (much though I appreciate you stopping by and love hashing stuff out in comments) is just another way to try to fail.

Now I’d better publish this before I wimp out.

11 responses to “Blaugust Day 12 – Homer strikes back

  1. I’m a 40 year old game blogger. I’ll never be a really writer. I don’t even get more than 10 views a day, but I’m a writer and it’s not foolish. I go nuts without writing when I need to write. I don’t need and won’t write 31 days in a row. I need to write when my brain hurts from the ideas. I like the idea of Blaugust but I can’t do it. I can write 31 posts in a day if my mind is ready tho. Just not a schedule type guy. You’re a wonderful writer that needs to write but like me, you’ll never be “published” unless you so it yourself. That’s OK and it’s never foolish to have a hobby like writing

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ysh, I love your writing. You have one fan out here, at least, who really enjoys your posts.

    And: it’s never too late to start writing. Join a writing group. Get critiques. You improve by doing, and eventually you might even sell something. Perhaps never enough to do the writing thing full time, but perhaps enough to scratch that itch.

    Anyway, my secret for Blaugust was I worked up a plan. I had a rough idea of what topic I wanted to write. So, when I only have a half an hour to write before bed, I don’t have to sit around and figure out what to write.

    tl;dr: just write, damn it! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ermahgerd you did get spammed! Not sure how that happened, it’s not like you haven’t commented before.

      I blame Homer. I’m not sure how, but it’s clearly his fault.

      Like

  3. I think when one can write for themself it’s almost an alternate form of therapy. I created Pizzamaid on my 30th birthday because I felt at that point in my life a stagnant era was about to close, and I wanted to document and highlight where my mind is at at this point and the memories I’m creating now. I’m sure if I had the self discipline to start at a younger age, say 17 or 18, I would’ve been able to see right before me how I’ve aged (or the lack thereof) and who I’ve molded into today. Realistically that didn’t happen, but my blog now is my little slice of the Internet where everything that fills the crevices of my head space can be neatly organized and displayed so I’m no longer letting things bottle up inside. continue writing for yourself because all the things, even the trivial ones, may impact a random person. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Writing for yourself is the only way to go. I write about things I want to remember and details that are important to me. I’m happy enough to share, and occasionally I include something for somebody else specifically, but the blog is all about me.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Via Mary Englebriet and George Eliot “It is never too late to be what you might have been”. As always I enjoy your posts. You have posted thoughtfully and engagingly every day. You show no sign of slowing down. Clearly there is much that you have to say and for these grand 31 days, we get to read your words. Kiss Homer on top of his head for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I love your posts. I love that unique voice that comes through in your posts, and every day I see a Ysharros post, it makes my day and never disappoints. It’s not the content, it’s the person, it’s how they express themselves.

    As for the whole writing thing, amen. Not only that but “gaming is not a valid pursuit, especially for adults,” “-fantasy- is not a valid pursuit, when are you going to grow up and get practical?”

    … Never, I guess.

    Then Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and various other superhero films come out and make millions and suddenly becomes mainstream. Some vindication for one’s interests, at last.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Writing for yourself is the best way of going about it, I feel anyways. And I find it very therapeutic as well.
    If you want to be a writer, you need to write, doesn’t matter what. Some things will be good, some things will be horrible. So what if you make a post that isn’t the best you feel you have written, some people might end up loving it even if you don’t. Every good writer has a shit ton of crappy content out there, they didn’t become awesome by only ending up with good stories. Saying that, I enjoy reading this blog. I loved the story about Homer. Even though it’s a struggle of yours, I loved the way you wrote it down.

    We are our own worst critiques! As Jeromai says too, it’s not the content, it’s the person, their personality in their writing, which you have tons of. And clearly you have a lot of people liking you, look at your responses 🙂

    Keep on writing,

    Like

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